from March...

Getting Uncomfortable

Four years ago we were about to take a family trip to Ireland and Netherlands.  We got the kids passports, got our plane tickets, communicated with relatives in both countries.  At the lunch table at Thayer one afternoon, someone asked about break, and I said we were taking the gang to Europe.  The assistant to the headmaster, Marilyn, said, "Is your passport ready?"  I laughed, thinking, Of course it is.  We got the kids passports, and Daniel renewed his.

Then I went back to my office and wondered whether mine was actually up-to-date and whether we had even checked.  I called Daniel.  He checked the file.  Expired.  We had about ten days to get the passport renewed.

Days later I left school early afternoon to make it into Boston to apply for an expedited renewal.  We all go through different stages in life and repeat them, and I remind myself of this at times.  I can be easygoing and confident and not think about either for a bit.  Or I'll feel self-conscious and not comfortable or confident.  Or I'll feel so happy that I can't imagine not feeling happy or comfortable.  Or I'll feel just down, not for any apparent reason, just lackluster, tired, a little bummed out.  Or I'll feel easily teary.  Or adventurous.  Or completely homebody-ish (every winter, pretty much).  Mostly I remind myself in the not happy/easygoing/confident stages that, at some point, the not-so-good feeling wears off, so just let it be, keep doing whatever it is I need to do, and let the feeling be there, trying not to get too annoyed with myself for it.

Driving up 93 North into Boston (or it might have been South -- 93 still confuses me, but when I'm at home I know which one feels right...most of the time), I felt really nervous and even anxious: what if I got lost?  what if I didn't get there before they closed?  what if they wouldn't give me a renewed passport in time?  Looking back, I imagine that the core of my anxiety was my fear that I wouldn't be going to Ireland and the Netherlands with my family, that I wouldn't have my renewed passport in time.  I worried about getting lost, and felt concerned that I might hit a car as I drove along Boston streets, as if I'd never driven in Boston before.  I felt anxious as I parked in a garage (actually, I always feel uncomfortable in garages -- too many scary movies and tv shows -- Scandal, anyone?).  I felt uncomfortable as I walked the three blocks from the garage to the passport office.  I felt completely outside myself, not one bit of confidence or comfort or ease about me.  

The visit was painless: I got through security, got a snack at a small convenience store inside, went upstairs, waited my turn, requested my renewal, was assured that it would be ready in two days.

But for me, something else was going on, something that -- I think -- no one there would have noticed.  But I know that I felt like I didn't belong, that somehow I didn't fit in.  I mean, who fits in in the middle of a big city and who even notices?  who belongs at a passport office in the middle of Boston?  I'm a Bostonian -- there's no reason for me to feel the outsider, but I did.

Driving out of Boston that day, I felt almost entirely calm again, reassured that I would be taking the Europe trip.  But as important for me was reflecting on how I felt that afternoon, how I felt so out of my comfort zone, nervous, self-conscious.  It was temporary, an hour or two of my entire day, week, etc., but it was real.  It was strange that I was excited to go to the unfamiliar in heading to Europe but uncomfortable in my small excursion to Boston that day.  I thought, I need to get out of my set routine more, my routine of Waltham to Braintree, Braintree to Waltham.  I need to make sure I'm doing some things out of the routine alone, stretching some.

 I still don't know what was going on that day for me, but I know that it felt like some sort of wake-up call for me, some reminder that what's uncomfortable is good and necessary and a reminder to pay attention, that changing a day up, or just an afternoon up needs to happen for me no matter where I am.